Enmeshment: The Opposite of Abuse and Neglect (but still unhealthy).

I’m going to come right out and say it: my children are not the be-all and end-all in my life. Are they a priority? Yes. Do I consider them in everything I do? Yes. But I don’t plan my entire life around them; they aren’t involved in every activity I do and I do not believe that my sole purpose in life is to be a parent.

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
— Kahlil Gibran

People with school-age children have told me with a sniff and an air of superiority “I have never spent a night away from my child” as if their slavish devotion to their child means that anyone who has dared to actually have a life outside of their child is less of a parent; that those who spend time away from their children must love their children less. These kinds of beliefs can be indicative of an “enmeshed” parenting style. Enmeshment is defined as “a dysfunctional state where a two or more people have porous and indistinguishable boundaries. Enmeshment can occur between a parent or child, whole families, or adult couples”  (“The Consquences of Enmeshment,” 2015), or in short not seeing your child/partner/parent as a separate person, but an extension of yourself.

Enmeshment is unhealthy for both parent and child – the parent because the tireless dedication to his/her child can create anxiety and can mean that the parent isn’t taking care of him/herself properly, choosing instead to devote all of their energy to the child’s needs and wants (remember the airplane rule – organize your own oxygen mask before helping others?).  Experts (2014) asserts

“As a parent, it is important to have a sense of passion and purpose in your life, separate from your children. And, it is essential that you learn to define your own sense of worth, rather than making your children’s behavior responsible for this. It is too big a burden for children to be the center of your life.”

Enmeshment is unhealthy for the child for a number of reasons:

• Enmeshment often leads to “helicopter parenting” where we hover over our children, refusing to trust them or allow them some responsibility for themselves).  When we helicopter parent we aren’t giving the child the space they need to explore and exploration is a tenet of Attachment Theory. Allowing a child to explore (while acting as a safe base) allows children to develop autonomy and competency.
• Allowing a child to believe that they are the center of the universe can cause a sense of entitlement and narcissism.
• Experts (2014) states that children enmeshed with their parent(s)  “may grow up feeling responsible for others’ feelings while ignoring responsibility for their own. They might feel selfish if they take care of themselves… may feel invaded and controlled by you and as a result, withdraw, resist, or act out in anger… will likely have problems in their adult relationships, both work and personal… might feel lost and empty inside as a result of not learning how to take responsibility for their own feelings”.

We all adore our children and I am not, by any means, saying “drop your kids off at grandma’s for two weeks and pop off to Mexico without a second thought” if that isn’t something you’re comfortable with, and I’m not even saying to leave them at all. But do know that it is fine (and indeed healthy) to have outside interests, and remember that you are your child’s first model, so model well.  And, what I am  also saying is seek to create a balance of being available without smothering; to let a child know he/she is important while also imparting that he/she is not the most important thing in the world. A child needs to understand that he/she is a unique individual who should have his/her own goals and interests.  Children need to know that your happiness isn’t dependent on them – that is too great a burden for a child to bear.

References

Experts, Y. (2014). Are You an Enmeshed Parent?. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 14, 2016, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/05/are-you-an-enmeshed-parent/

The Consequences of Enmeshment. (2015, March 16). Retrieved May 15, 2016, from http://narcissismschild.com/2015/03/16/the-consequences-of-enmeshment/